Letting Go Of Control
I’ve always seen myself as an easy-going person, not rattled by many things and quick on my feet. I’ve prided myself on having it all together or at least seeming as such. I’ve always put up this I am too cool to be stressed façade and I must say it has worked for me for many years. I’ve accomplished “goals” with ease and have judged those for not following in my footsteps. Lately, I am learning that this is no longer serving me.
I have a very interesting relationship with control. I act as if I am cool, calm, and collected but deep down I am spiraling, trying to control and manipulate the outcome of pretty much every situation. My thought process is that if I can control this, I won’t be hurt or disappointed. On the flip side, I believe if I’m not in control of my life or even those around me I won’t live up to my fullest potential. I have a fear of never actually living my dreams, a fear that I am not capable of my dreams, and in turn, I project those fears onto the ones closest to me.
I’ve noticed how I show up or have shown up in my closest relationships hasn’t always created a safe space for others to authentically be themselves. I put so much pressure on those around me to be perfect because I don’t feel perfect or enough. I don’t leave room for growth because I expect everything and everyone to grown before their time. I feel as if those around me aren’t perfect or doing what I expect it means I am not perfect or worthy.
The past three months have been especially challenging for me because I haven’t been able to control much in my life. My first collection didn’t perform to my expectation, I had used up all of my financial resources, and parenting my daughter has been more challenging than I planned for. I’ve been searching high and low for a job and trying so hard to control the outcome that it literally made my hair fall out! Your girl had a quarter-size bald spot in the middle of her head because she was trying so hard to make something happen! There is a recurring theme in my life that has just come to my attention, a lesson that I am finally taking heed to. I need to let go of control and let life be life. I can’t control everything and everyone around me, I can’t make things happen that are not in my ability or scope of expertise. I’ve also learned that I can’t expect to be loved unconditionally if I am not doing the same. Judgment and love can’t exist in the same space. I can’t keep judging myself and expect to thrive and I also can’t judge those closest to me and expect them to trust me. I don’t know how life will turn out, I have a vision of how I would like to it go, but there are no guarantees. I have to learn that I am worthy of all great and grand things. I am beautifully and uniquely made. I am exactly where I need to be in life. I can only control the controllable and let everything else fall in line the way it should. Letting go of control doesn’t mean life will pass you by, it means life will guide you through.
Xoxo- Krystal A Phillips