Perfectly Imperfect

Have you ever wondered how some people just always seem to get it “right”? Like their life flows perfectly with the current, with no hiccups as the tides change. Well for me, let’s just say when a hiccup comes, the whole river runs dry. Lately, I’ve been thinking about the idea of perfection and how it has impacted my life. I never realized I was a perfectionist, maybe because I didn’t start believing I was worthy of a beautiful life until about 6 years ago. So prior to that I was just floating by, doing things that came easily to me. Skating by life thinking perfection was my reality  because I  never challenged myself; so of course, I did all the easy stuff well.

As I approach my 36th birthday, I am learning to accept the reality that my life isn't perfect! For years I tried to maintain the image, by acting as if I was happy or like I had all the answers, when the reality was my life was falling apart. My perfect facade came crashing down around my 30th birthday, with a newborn and the heaviest cloud of unease. I had to admit to myself that my perfect life was falling apart. I felt like a failure, trying to fix the trauma of my childhood by forcing a relationship that just wasn’t for me. I kept thinking, now here I am, a single mom, just like my mother, and it will never be “right” again. On top of my failed relationship, I had a failed business that I couldn’t see, but my business partner did. So not only did I have to end the relationship with my daughter's father, I also had to end the relationship with my business partner. My life felt like it was in shambles, and my perfect facade was smashed and scattered all over the floor. 

At the time, I didn't know what was happening or why everything was happening. But as I sit back and reflect, I know that God was molding me. He was molding me into someone who could be vulnerable, who could admit they have flaws, who could relate to other people facing life's challenges, who had the experience to face a life of entrepreneurship, and most importantly a person who won’t always choose a path of least resistance, but to choose his path and always choose myself. 

Today, my life looks a lot different, I have a beautiful family, that is not picture perfect, but man do I love it. I can hold space for my mistakes and I’m learning to hold space for others, (I’m still a work in progress yall, cause people be doing dumb shit) I’m leaning into my imperfections, but also learning that just because things aren't perfect it doesn’t mean I don’t deserve a beautiful life. So to really hold myself accountable and be vulnerable here’s what I mean by that:

My business is not thriving- YET- as perfect as it seems, it’s struggling.

I haven't been the most loving and supportive friend I know I can be and I HATE that I let my judgment get in the way of love.

My relationship is good, but we still struggle with things that I cannot change.

My daughter is beautiful and charismatic but still struggles with her emotions at school and we need help to manage it.

My fashion game has fallen off (don’t debate me) and most times I don’t look like my best self (I’m still fly tho).

I don’t know everything about design and I feel a world apart from other designers. 

I don’t feel like I am creative enough.

My car is barely starting, and I’m not in a place to buy a new one.

I haven’t been on vacation in over 2 years because every penny I have goes into my business.

My EGO is HUGE and it holds me back in a lot of areas of my life.

I crave deep connection but get scared when I receive it.

I am not easily led by others, even when it’s in my best interest.

I am inconsistent with the things I love.

I can be self-centered.

I can also be toxic and manipulative ( not on purpose, but it's there).

I cut people off way too easily.

I would love to say I am a super organized person, but in reality, I am a chaotic mess, which I'm learning to love.

So to say I am perfect would be a bald-faced lie! But here's the thing, just because I have flaws it doesn't mean I don’t have lots of things to celebrate about myself. It doesn't mean I am not worthy of love. It doesn't mean I’m not a great mom, partner, business owner, or friend. I may not have the wardrobe of my dreams yet but it doesn't mean I can't put together a LEWK! My daughter may turn up in school when she's upset, but that doesn’t mean my parenting skills aren’t what she needs. All this means is I am human and it's ok to wear my flaws as a badge of honor. It shows that I am grounded in ALL of who I am, and that shattered perfect facade can now be put together like a beautiful mosaic stained glass work of art, because after all I am perfectly imperfect.