To The Girl I Used To Be
I used to be her. The girl with no rules or restrictions; marching to the beat of her rhythmless drum. I used to be her, the girl with no regard or guards on her actions. I used to be her, the quiet but mysterious one. I used to be her, slow to act but quick with my tongue. I used to be her, soft and hard, sharp and smooth. I used to be her, lost and confused. I used to be her.
As I look back on who I was just a few short years ago, she feels so familiar and foreign at the same time. How can one be so close to where and what they used to be, and now feel so distant and disconnected? I’m at this stage in my life where I know I am heading in a different direction, not sure what that direction is, but also, I am still that girl I used to be. I know better and I actively practice doing better. I show up in new ways that still feel uncomfortable to me, but my old ways aren’t cutting anymore either.
It’s such a precarious space to be in, and I must admit I’m a bit resistant to that change. I’m afraid to lose that young girl, that free and fearlessness that I once possessed. I’m afraid to become “that” woman, the one who loses herself in her family and then resents women who choose to live out loud. I’m afraid to lose my zest, afraid to become boring. I’m a ball of nerves and ends waiting to explode. It’s funny what change brings up, for me, it’s always some ridiculous amount of fear.
I know that this change is for the better and it’s time for me to embark on a new journey and phase of life, but I guess I never really thought about it. I was so used to floating through life not making any serious plans that I never stopped to think about the future. I’m also a bit dramatic and have no context of what I’m doing lol. I remember as a kid saying all of the things I would never do. I swore to never get married, have children, or have a big family because I thought that was boring when in actuality I was afraid. Afraid of having to work at something, afraid of making a commitment and failing at it, afraid of being that intimate with someone who may just turn around and hurt me.
Now all of these thoughts are being challenged and the girl I used to be is trying to stand firm on a cracked foundation. I am learning that it’s ok to be afraid, to not be sure what going to happen next. It’s ok to have big emotions, but not get too tied up in them. Growth is big and scary at times, but my life doesn’t have to be the negative image that society has painted. My life can be whatever I envision and that is an amazing thing. It’s ok to evolve and not fully be who I used to be, because let’s face it the girl I used to be could use some refining.
So to the girl, I used to be, I will always be you! I will take the good parts, grow the bad and continue to live in your free spirit. Thank you for allowing me to grow and become the woman I am destined to be. Without you, there would be no me!
XO- Krystal A Phillips