Unexpected Pauses

This past weekend, my girlfriend and I decided to take ourselves out on a manifesting date. We met up and headed to the city to visit  Tiffany & Co's newly renovated Flagship store on Fifth Avenue. The mission was to try on engagement rings. We were both nervous and excited. Nervous because imposter syndrome started to kick in, and the feelings of unworthiness started seeping through our pores. And excited because we had an appointment to try on Tiffany's engagement rings! Little me was literally screaming. Anywho, the trip was a success. My girlfriend tried on a ring that brought tears to her eyes and I discovered that I needed a little more razzle-dazzle and would opt for a vintage ring that brings the drama vs a classic Tiffany style. Which I must say is very on-brand for me, as I arrived at the historic flagship in “The Risa Patent Leather Hourglass Blazer” in red, styled with stirrup legging, studded flats, and statement earrings. 

After our engagement at Tiffany’s, we decided to head over to Bergdorf Goodman and peruse the cocktail jewelry, which was absolutely breathtaking. Then we headed up the third floor to see the designer collections and it suddenly hit me, this is KAPHILL’s home. I felt the warmth of welcome wrap me in its embrace and I held on tight! I’ve been trying to figure out where I fit, where KAPHILL fits in this fashion world and it hit me. That is my space. So you know that will be on my vision board for 2024. 

After our stop at Bergdorf, we decided to wrap up the day at Hillstone, which if you don’t know is one of my favorite restaurants! We had such a great time, catching up, listening, and enjoying each other's company; the spinach dip hittin' was just the icing on the cake. After 2 French martinis, I didn't realize that the steak I ordered medium,  came out burnt to a crisp, but I still ate, drank, and was merry. We packed up and headed uptown, exchanged heartfelt goodbyes and I unwinded with Carrie Bradshaw, The Russian, and Mr.Big. I was about 2 hours into my “Me” time when I felt what I thought were hangover pains, but from two drinks, impossible I thought to myself. I headed into the bathroom and didn't leave for the next 12 hours. 

That’s right, FOOD POISONING! After days of not quite feeling like myself, I realized that life had to physically slow me down or I would have burnt out. For the past year and two months, I’ve been trying to make KAPHILL happen. The insurmountable pressure that I’ve bestowed upon myself not even the world's strongest bodybuilder can carry. I am stressing myself out! I had so many things to accomplish before I spent my day next to a toilet. And looking back I was scared. Scared of not being enough. Scared of my dreams not coming to pass. Afraid that if I stop moving and shaking everything I’ve worked so hard for would also stop. Fear has a funny way of manifesting itself. It disguises itself as guilt or shame, and unworthiness. Which is a message I am unsubscribing from. 

This unexpected pause showed me that it is ok to stop. It’s ok to not see the full path yet. To lean into the softest areas of my life. It’s ok to drop the ball and not pick up the slack. Slowing down has shown me all the things I've tried not to face. I have no clue what I am doing. I know where I would like to go, but how I’m going to get there I am wildly unsure of. All I know is it’s in the unexpected pauses that you find unexpected answers and give yourself unexpected love. 


Krystal A Phillips

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