I remember a time in my life when I wanted everything to be the same. I was so content with life, whether good or bad that I didn’t want anything to change. I wanted my job to stay the same, my friends to stay the same, my pain, my joy, my everything to stay the same. Unbeknownst to me, that was all fear and insecurity. Fear of failing at something new, and not believing in my power to handle life’s shifting tides. As years went by and everything stayed the same, I started to change. I started to become irritable. I was anxious, confused, and even worse, angry. I was angry at life; angry that it no longer felt how I wanted it to feel. I mean, life looked the same, but it definitely felt different.
I was never a “change is good” kind of person. I was always a, if it ain't broke don’t fix it kind of girl and gurrrll let me tell you, it had to be BROKE BROKE for me to fix or change anything. As I am entering yet another inevitable transition in my life, I notice my anxiety starting to peak. Transitioning out of a job that wasn’t meant for me, and entering my soft life season has been both joyous and sad. I am so grateful to have the opportunity to focus on my passions while strengthening my mind and body, but on the other hand, I am new to the “being taken care of” game. I am new to knowing it is ok to fully allow someone else to have my back. To be allowed to follow my dreams to the fullest potential, without the excuse of having a 9-5 holding me down. That in itself is a bit scary to me because there is no other reason to half-ass it. I know that sounds bizarre, but that’s how I feel.
The tides are shifting in other areas of my life, relationship dynamics are changing and while it’s beautiful, there is a hint of sadness beneath those layers. We are all shifting, and codependency is dissipating. I no longer know or need to know every single detail of my friends' lives, and that is new territory for me. Isn’t crazy how the information we are privileged with can turn into entitlement so quickly? I am no longer anyone’s right hand, but I am right there when they call. Instead, I am allowing myself to grow and giving my friends the same grace and honor to do the same, no matter how scary it feels.
Many times, we hold ourselves hostage to the past versions of our lives because we don’t believe it can get any better. We don’t believe what we can’t see and in turn, we don’t allow ourselves to dream big. We have to believe for more, work for more, and pray for more. I heard a friend say the other day that their daily prayer is, “God show me how good it can get”, and I believe and receive that in my spirit. My prayer is, “God give me the grace to accept your best for me and my loved ones. Give me the strength to let go of the old versions of myself so you can bless me with a new reality. God, pull me in the direction of the best version of my life, God Shift the tide.” I pray this over my life and the life of my loved ones. I say all of this to say, allow life to show us how good it can get, and allow the tide to shift.
Xo, Krystal Phillips